Love and Marriage on the Shatabdi Express

Eva, your tweet said you’ve been sitting on this story for 5 years? I think that must be the way to go. It came out beautifully.

“I love my home,” she said, “and I love my children. My husband and I? We’ve learned to work around each other.”

What a powerful line.  Great writing, Eva!

I can see why you’ve wrestled with this and kept at it.  You did a really wonderful job of dealing with a super-complex theme—the urge of the traveler to both get past his/her assumptions and yet avoid embracing their opposites unthinkingly—in a very clear and compelling way.  This is one of the best essays I’ve read in awhile!  It inspires me to start grappling with the piles of notes I’ve accumulated and haven’t yet dealt with.  Really nice job, Eva.

Never understood the whole arranged marriage thing either. Yet last summer I was courted by a man from Mumbai attempting to convince me I needed a man in my life. He was skipping the whole “getting to know each other part ” Just wanted to marry me!

Needless to say he made a call home, is married now. But tells me to be his second “good women”

That’s just a whole nother can of worms!

Was just reading Osho last night, and he brought up the subject of arranged marriage.  He said this type of relationship is not about love - it’s about keeping families together.  Romantic love, as packaged to us in the “West,” also has very little to do with actual love.  It is a fantasy, a mix of lust and longing. 

If these are the only choices, than arranged marriage does seem like a nice way to avoid facing a broken heart.  I can’t help but pity the person who gives up without even trying…

As a person successful in most categories other than romantic love, I look back on who my parents wisdom would have chosen for me.  Without my foolish passion to color the choice, I would have married farmer Cliff.  Now I would be a millionaries living on a farm in PA with a bunch of kids.  I would be happy.  I would have missed the career success, world travel, etc, but I would have missed the associated sorrows too. 

As for the divorce rate, 50% of marriage end legally.  Probably another 25% end emotionally without legal paperwork.  I don’t see South Asian or Middle Eastern parents as shoving their daughter off on some rich merchant, I see them as ensuring she and her children will not go hungry, which is a real fear in these areas; and that she will have someone compatible with her values, economic status, educaiton and religon.  Think back on who your parents would have picked for you?  Were they on the money?  I know my famliy is in agreement on which relationships we wish our for our nieces and nephews to persue and curtail.

Hi Eva,

You have nicely put together some of our everyday thoughts about love and relationship. In fact, I found your article to be quite thought-provoking. Having been born and raised in India, I find some parts very clichéd and not entirely true.

Most of my family and friends have had love marriages. The whole idea of an arranged marriage is restricted to a much older generation, people who got married in the 40’s and 50’s. Nowadays, it is prevalent in rural areas, not the cities.

Also, I can’t agree with you when you say “In all my train rides so far, she was the first Indian woman I’d seen traveling solo; the first who wasn’t dressed in traditional clothing, and herding children around the train.”

I know plenty of Indian women who travel solo, mostly for work and they are not always herding children.

I am sorry to say that the India you have depicted is not the India I know.

Eva, not to shock your feminist mentalities by making this comparison, but I had a vague recollection of some of Hemingway’s short stories when I read this.

In other words, even though he could be quite the misogynist, he wrote beautifully, and so did you. I felt your discomfort and questions as if they were my own.

“the overflowing self-possession of my seatmate”

“The sheer pessimism of the idea was darkly compelling”

“I didn’t want to pity my seatmate for her arranged marriage—but I didn’t want to envy her, either. “

Great writing Eva. Wonderfully fluid prose and so many micro-(and major)-insights packed into what’s ostensibly a pretty small piece.

Props!

What a powerful piece! I’ve never considered arranged marriages from that angle. She certainly made a lot of sense.

This is fantastic writing. Thanks for sharing, Eva!

I like what Ian said (what Osho said) about love and the way we view it in the western world. We’ve been sold a romanticized fantasy and most people probably have unrealistic expectations. What we’ve also been sold is that we HAVE to partner up to be happy. This is the way society has worked itself out.

It’s a beautiful piece Eva. Congrats on finally getting it out!

“My husband and I? We’ve learned to work around each other.”  I must say the lady is truly unpretentious.

I don’t think all Indian women sport traditional wear on their travel everyday and always herd children around the train. That honestly sounds a dramatised bit to me.

Nice story. Thanks.

Excellent article, Eva.  You’re a much better listener than I am. I would have jumped in and asked all of the questions that you sat back for.  Bravo!

This is the first article I believe I have read by you, Eva, and yes, it was beautifully written.

Now a response to “arranged marriages”. I don’t think there is anything inherently bad about them except the unfair and unequal status of the two parties involved. Men continue to have “romantic” or lustful coupling while they are married and women are expected to remain pure. These marriages may last longer but are they really any better?

Nicely done, Eva. I think sometimes we feel an emotion about a thing and we’re not sure what to think about it.  After some time we can.  That’s what I love about writing.  It gives us an excuse and opportunity to reflect on things that we couldn’t make sense of when they happened.

This story was worth the wait.

Definitely worth the wait indeed. Loved it!

Lately I realized that those who are not happy would definitely try to tell you that there’s no such thing as true love. But take it from someone who has found true love and married him (thankfully in Europe you don’t see arranged marriages, unless you are gypsy) ... there IS such thing as true love. And i’m so sorry that tradition gets in the way for many Indians. I’ve met several Indian guys who were more than willing to sacrifice any kind of potential love for tradition. Sad. Too sad. Way too sad for a European to try to even understand.

Great thoughts Christina, and congratulations on finding love.  Has it passed the test of time? 

But there is a difference between arranged and forced marriages.  Arranged ones allow the individuals to say no.  Also, the couples don’t live as aliens.  It is just wisdom to develop intimacy, just like all those western people whose flame of passion has died down (some). 

As a 49 year old I believe that the wisom of my parents would have increased the probability of my finding marital love. 

Sexual attraction can negativley impact a valid perception of the beloved.  (Parental) wisom can add to it.

Eva, good to get this perspective on arranged marriage, though I’m Indian myself.

“My husband and I? We’ve learned to work around each other.”  says it all for a marriage, love or arranged.
thanks for the light :-)

We almost all seem to agree that it’s a terrific piece of writing.  Nice work.  I guess I can see some sense in arranged marriages, as long as it’s not a forced thing.  For my wife, whose mother has been married 5 times, no WAY would she have agreed to that.  And by the way, we’ve been married 38 years and not only love each other, we’re IN love.  Madly in love.  Best friends. It happens.
But my favorite lines in your article weren’t about marriage but were about the mixed emotions we feel when traveling in a country (any country) that both enthralls us and repels us: ” If there’s anything more cliché in the travel hot spots of the developing world than the smugly indignant tourist, high up on her culturally superior horse, I thought, it’s the fawning tourist with the grotesque admiration for the “simplicity” of the lives she sees around her.”  Well done.

Outstanding article, thoughtful and articulate. Thank you for sharing your experience on the train in India. it was thought provoking and touched my heart.

Truly a sensitively written piece, particularly as pertains to the developing observations of a 22(?) year old at the time. I (a non-Indian) married a man from that part of the world and it was one of the few “love” marriages in his family’s experience. I have found that same sense of deliberate provocativeness when discussing the marriage question with his family (both of his sisters had an arranged marriage); even more so, when the question of cousin marriage comes up, which is also still somewhat common in that culture. The challenge is always to look at the truth of someone else’s experiences without tripping over our own preconceptions of what we think those experiences should be. Bravo to you for your insights.

Wonderful piece.  I have lots of thoughts about arranged marriage since I am Indian but born in the United States, raised by parents who had a “love marriage,” and married a white guy.  What I love about your article is the honesty of your discomfort because I think most people feel uncomfortable by the concept of arranged marriages.  Wonderfully written.

Arrange marriage - Parents select a girl. Son, parents & family of both sides approve including girl - Then marriage. It may be called as social approval.
Love marriage - Guy & Girl select each other no matter parents & family approve or not - Then marriage. It may be not considered as social because parents or family approval is sometimes not present And the girl & the guy go for marriage.
In India arrange marriage is The Best but time is changing And now-a-days parents/family approves love.

Nice story, but skewed, possibly understandably so, given the writer’s cultural conditioning. Here is another take, possibly skewed too, from an Indian who is in an arranged marriage and has relatives and friends, some of whom have found their own partners and some of whom have had arranged marriages.

Most Indian youngsters today (at least, the urban middle class) are free to choose their own partners if they wish to. Even in the arranged marriage system, the prospective partners can size each other up with multiple meetings before deciding. Either party can veto.

As for the system followed in the West, it’s left to chance. Hooking up is usually more about sexual attraction that love, and that attraction naturally wears off in a couple of years. Look at Sarah Palin’s daughter. She and the stud who knocked her up found love, didn’t they? Yeah, the feeling typically lasts for a couple of years, and then the search for the next love of one’s life. And so on, from one partner to the next, in serial lover fashion.

And does anyone spare a thought for the kids jammed between the revolving doors of the marriages of their parents?  No, it’s all about me and my satisfaction. Me, me , me!

Does anyone spare a thought for those who are socially awkward and physically unattractive? Some of them end up being so desperate to get married that they make unwise choices, hitching up with the first partner who is ready to sleep with them.

It’s a paradox that Westerners, who are normally so rational about everything else, are so irrational about how they choose their partners, trusting to an ephemeral emotion that statistics show will transmute into bitterness and hostility within a couple of years. The Western system (if the dating game can be called that) is not much better than wind pollination in plants. The Asian arranged marriage system ensures that partners have similar family backgrounds and interests. And if one does want to marry someone one meets, one can marry outside of the arranged marriage system. It’s the best of both worlds, in a way. It’s better and safer than trying to hook up with someone in a singles bar or trying the classifieds.

With the arranged system, one can meet many more prospective partners than one could by personally meeting people at work, etc. The field opens up! The families of prospective partners are known, including hereditary diseases (and criminal backgrounds!), if any. The background is intensively scrutinized. Unpleasant surprises post-marriage are minimized.

In fact, the writer of an article in a U.S. newspaper in the 1960s, considering the divorce rates then, wondered if it wasn’t better to return to the arranged marriage system.

I think there are Jewish communities that follow a similar system, the family encouraging compatible youngsters to meet.

There’s an underlying difference in perspective: For Asians, marriage performs a largely societal function, the perpetuation of the species (kids, family, etc.); for the Westerner, it’s about individual fulfillment.

The ideal would be to balance both perspectives.

Basically, it’s a gamble anyway, whatever the route taken, but as in every other endeavor, doing one’s homework improves the odds of success.

I wish someone would write the following piece. Middle-aged Indian meets middle-aged U.S.-raised Indian-American in a train somewhere in the U.S. They start talking. The Indian-American describes her first marriage and how it failed after 3 years, when the right guy appeared again like magic, whom she married. Now, 2 years later,  that marriage is failing, and she’s carrying on with another guy who thinks she’s a goddess. There are passing references to the kids from the two marriages, and her plans to ditch her current husband and marry the guy who thinks she’s a goddess.

And as for this line in the article: “My husband and I? We’ve learned to work around each other,” it’s one of the best-kept secrets of most long-lived marriages of any stripe, but perhaps it’s a secret that’s being forgotten in the West because long-lived marriages are so rare?!

eva holland, i just read this piece to my sister, both of us between laughing out loud and quiet intrigue… what a fantastic fusion of humour, romance, and travel. it’s beautiful. i loved your honest response to the woman’s story and the hilarious way you described yourself reacting to it. i can picture that 22 year old. very, very nice.