Gifts for the World Traveler

12.20.02 | 9:59 PM ET

What to give the world traveler in your life for the holidays, post-9/11, post-Enron, post-we-can’t-believe-
there’s-another-cruise-
ship virus outbreak? Other publications are touting all sorts of frivolous items: costly personal stereos (so 1989); designer leather suitcases (yawn); ultra-light, wicking-fabric travel shirts (it’s winter!). Not us. World Hum has its finger on the pulse of the world travel scene. As you no doubt discovered with last year’s cutting-edge holiday guide, any one of these gifts will satisfy the discriminating traveler in your life.

HAWAIIAN-PRINT BIOHAZARD CRUISING SUIT
If you’ve been on a cruise recently, you know that when they said all-inclusive, they weren’t kidding. Contagious stomach viruses are a hot new shipboard amenity. Of course, a week of vomiting in paradise might not be your idea of a vacation. Our Hawaiian-Print Biohazard Cruising Suit featuring extra-rugged seams provides reliable chemical and vapor protection with a look that screams “Aloha!” Why spend all week washing your hands and avoiding the free buffets when you could be breathing a personal air supply from the FR3 Battery-Powered Respirator? How could anything so safe look so festive? Available in three colors: Blue Sunset, Aloha Pink and Magnum, P.I. - Michael Murphy

THE FAUX EUROPEAN SAMPLER TOUR
Many Americans are afraid to leave the country these days. But that doesn’t mean you or your loved one has to skip Europe this coming year. Just reserve a spot on the World Hum 2003 Las Vegas European Sampler tour, the next best thing to being on the continent. Did we say next best? It’s actually better than the real thing because, as every American knows, all-you-can-eat buffets make everything better! Plus you won’t have to deal with those pesky foreign languages. This six-day, seven-night excursion includes stops at the Paris Hotel and Casino (Faux Eiffel tower! Faux Arc de Triomphe!), the Venetian Hotel and Casino (Faux St. Marks! Canals! Horizontal striped shirts!), Caesar’s Palace Hotel and Casino (Statues! Fountains! Football players dressed as Gladiators!) and the Bellagio Hotel and Casino (Overlooking a replica of Italy’s Lake Como!). With the treasures of Europe right in America’s own backyard—and nightly performances by Siegfried and Roy—who needs the hassle of crossing the ocean? - Michael Yessis

“TRAVELER (NOT TOURIST)” T-SHIRTS
You’ve tried everything to set yourself apart from “tourists”: You wear local fashions when visiting the market. You use Lonely Planet cultural tips when sightseeing. You even say “thank you” in the regional dialect when the busboy clears your table.  But, for some crazy reason, the locals still don’t see that much difference between you and the camera-toting Westerners who spill out of air-conditioned tour buses.  The problem, of course, isn’t that the tourist/traveler distinction is largely a self-serving rhetorical charade. Rather, the problem is that the locals don’t realize how important it is that you not be mistaken for a tourist.  Fortunately, you can now save face in locals’ eyes by wearing a hip new line of travel T-shirts, which read “Traveler (Not Tourist)” in 200 major world languages.  (A collar-mounted voice-loop transmitter is currently under development to help clarify things to illiterate peasants.)  Colors include indigo,  saffron, and rainbow tie-dye. Hawaiian-print and colonial khaki not available. - Rolf Potts 

PAINT-BY-NUMBERS WORLD MAP II
Despite the United States’ far-reaching influence in the world, many Americans still can’t locate exotic countries like France, Brazil and, yes, the United States, on the world map. A recent survey by National Geographic confirmed the sad facts. How to improve things? Most learning in the nation takes place through reality TV shows, but as far as we know there are still no world geography shows in the works. There’s only one viable solution, and it also happens to make the perfect gift: the new-and-improved Paint-By-Numbers World Map II, a 16-by-24-inch blank map with five bright paints that satisfies travelers and geography students yearning to explore their artistic side. Just unfold this beauty, match the right number to the right country, whip out those paints and before you know it you’ll know just where Holland is. This year’s version includes an exciting new color: Axis-of-Evil Neon Pink.  - Jim Benning

DEVALUED CURRENCY ULTRA-PORTER
When traveling to countries with unstable currencies, few things are more embarrassing than staggering to the market under the weight of near-useless Laotian kip or Albanian lek. Indeed, transactions that would be quite simple at home—buying Tic-Tacs, for example—turn into humiliating ordeals as you fumble through huge stacks of Mauritanian ougulya or Ukrainian hryvnia at the checkout counter. And how many times has a simple border-guard bribe gone wrong simply because $3 worth of Paraguayan guarani or Vietnamese dong was too voluminous to carry in one trip?  Fortunately, these problems can now be solved with the expandable “Devalued Currency Ultra-Porter,” a shoulder-mounted tote bag versatile enough to carry mounds of Mozambican metical, gobs of Guatemalan quetzal, or bales of Bangladeshi taka. Calibrated markings on the inside allow you to gauge value by volume, and a built-in calculator gives you hourly updates on how much less spending power your Myanmar kyat or Ethiopian birr has than at the moment you traded your dollars, Euros, pounds or yen for it. - R.P. 

HOW TO TRAVEL LIKE THE HOI POLLOI: A GUIDE FOR CELEBRITIES AND DISGRACED CORPORATE EXECUTIVES
These are tough times for formerly privileged travelers. Once upon a time, celebrities and disgraced corporate executives moved about the world in style, zipping through airport security with a nod and a wink. Sometimes they avoided people altogether by renting private jets. In the wake of September 11 and recent corporate scandals, however, things have changed. Celebrities now have to undergo borderline strip searches just like the rest of us. Fallen moguls now have to buy their own tickets and travel in coach. If you have a celebrity or a disgraced executive in your life—or if you yourself are currently under investigation by the SEC—you know these adjustments can be difficult. Help yourself or friends cope with “How to Travel like the Hoi Polloi: A Guide for Celebrities and Disgraced Corporate Executives.” Chapters include: “The Waiting: Yes, You Have to Stand in That Line, Too”; “The Early Bird Gets the Aisle: Securing a Prime Seat Assignment”; and “Carry Cash (Small Bills Only): The Drinks and the Movie Actually Cost Money in Coach.” - M.Y. 

HIGH-SPEED CROSS-COUNTRY RAIL TICKET
Sometimes you have to travel across the United States, but you’re tired of driving, burning all that gas, contributing to America’s troubling dependence on foreign oil. And flying just isn’t the fun it used to be. You and your loved ones are ready to join the rest of the civilized first world by traveling by high-speed rail service, right? Wait no longer. Give a gift certificate for a luxurious high-speed train trip from New York to San Francisco. They’ll be treated to first-class service in an air-conditioned cabin, complete with foldout beds and four-star dining. Note: Product not available until at least 2061. - J.B.

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