Dave Barry’s Miami: ‘¿Usted Piensa Que Conseguiré Mi Equipaje a Tiempo Para el Tazón Estupendo?’

Super-hyped Super Bowl XLI takes place this Sunday in Miami, as you probably know. Pulizer Prize-winner and sometime travel writer Dave Barry lives in the city, and this week he’s written a guide for all those traveling to South Florida. “Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl visitors!” Barry writes in the Miami Herald. “You are going to have a wonderful time, from the moment you arrive in our magical city, until the moment you discover that your wallet is missing.” Barry’s advice ranges from learning some phrases to communicate with the Spanish-speaking locals to navigating South Beach.

This is the heart of the action, a happening scene where supertrendy people gather to valet-park their cars and go to clubs with names like ‘‘Moisture’’ where they join other supertrendy valet-parkers to listen to music loud enough to liquefy brain tissue while drinking watery cocktails at upwards of $18 a pop. Sound like fun? Then head on over to SoBe, where friendly club bouncers will welcome you inside, provided that you are a woman with a hotness quotient of Scarlett Johansson or higher. If you are a normal human female, or God forbid a male, you may have to wait outside in the Ugly Person Line until (a) the bouncer decides you have been sufficiently humiliated, or (b) Easter, whichever comes later.

Maybe, he concludes, you should pencil in a second visit to the Everglades.

 

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