Introducing Choice Air

Eric Weiner: Finally, in 2012, comes an airline where you don't pay for any services you don't want or need. Including smiles.

05.03.10 | 11:40 AM ET


Welcome aboard Choice Air Flight 452 with nonstop service to Denver. We know you value choice, which is why at Choice Air we’ve created the a la carte travel experience. At Choice Air, you don’t pay for services you don’t want or need.

In preparation for takeoff, please fasten your seatbelts by pulling on the metal tab and inserting your major credit card into the slot on your right. Please return your tray table to its locked position, assuming you have purchased the EasyTray option ($5). Please return your seat to its full upright position, assuming you have opted for our ReclineSaver option ($1 per degree of recline). We still have a few DeclinerSeats available. These seats lean forward, not back. It’s the perfect option for budget travelers and contortionists.

At this time, please turn off all electronic devices, unlesss you subscribe to our E-Flight option. These passengers are free to use cell phones, iPods, laptops and portable MRI machines at any time during the flight.

After takeoff, we’ll be serving a variety of soft drinks, water, beer and wine, for $6. For those passengers who have purchased our SmileHigh option, please remember to wear your red SmileHigh ribbon and our Atlanta-based flight crew gladly greet you with a passably genuine smile and a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. And a reminder: FAA regulations require that you use the lavatory in your designated class of service. Please remember to bring your credit card with you to the lavatory and pay the small fee of $7 ($10 for Number 2) before entering.

In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion floats, for a nominal fee. Should we experience a sudden drop in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will fall from overhead. These devices accept all major credit cards. Please pay for your own oxygen before assisting small children (ask about our BreatheEasy family plan!). Even though the bag does not inflate, rest assured that oxygen is still flowing, unless of course your credit card has been declined, in which case we ask that you push the call button and wait for assistance.

At this time, please take your seats and store all personal belongings. We will be closing the cabin door shortly, assuming we can raise the $300 CloseDoor surcharge. Flight attendants will be passing through the aisle to collect donations. Please give what you can so we can get underway.

Ladies and gentlemen, the door is now closed, thanks to a generous contribution by the nice man in 14C. We will be taking off shortly. Our flying time today to Denver is 3 hours and 43 minutes. In command of this Boeing 757 is Jay Montreoux. Jay is a cosmetic dentist from Savannah who has opted for our reasonably priced Be-A-Pilot-For-A-Day program. (See our in-flight magazine—on sale for $3.99—for details.) Assisting Jay is First Officer Tiffany Galore, who Jay met at the Roxy Club last night and is just crazy about. Now sit back, or forward, relax and enjoy the flight.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Denver International Airport. We’ve arrived a few minutes early. Please remain seated until the flight attendants have collected the EarlyArrival surcharge. For those unable or unwilling to pay this charge, we ask that you do not disembark until our scheduled arrival time. All of us at Choice Air wish you a pleasant stay in Denver, or wherever your final destination may be.

Tags: Air Travel, Humor

5 Comments for Introducing Choice Air

Chris 05.04.10 | 9:59 AM ET

Over at AOL Travel and on Twitter they are doing the @AOLMysteryFlyer project right now, judging ten big US airlines on friendliness while flying anonymously. It’s been interesting to follow.

Marilyn_Res 05.07.10 | 10:00 AM ET

Oh Eric, you always make me crack up, and I’m not supposed to be laughing to myself right now,

Grizzly Bear Mom 05.10.10 | 4:10 PM ET

I assume there is a charge for me to get my carryon out of the overhead.  Other passengers’ dirty laundry is free however. .

Kiev apartments 05.16.10 | 3:00 PM ET

Great air service! but I’m a bit afraid of these all wil come true oneday.
However thanks for the really interesting post!

Anwar Balushi 05.19.10 | 4:01 AM ET

very nice and looking forward for its launchin

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