Speedos, Bell Hops, Andean Flute Music, Oh My!
Tom Swick: Contemplating and celebrating the world of travel
05.18.09 | 10:47 AM ET
iStockPhotoReading Christopher Elliott’s recent piece on the top five travel phobias got me thinking about fear on the road, and made me realize he’d only scratched the surface:
Fear of choosing a loser destination.
The lingering fear, after all this time, of the insubstantiality of e-tickets.
Fear of transgression-prone seatmates.
Fear of complimentary snacks.
Fear of schoolmarmish flight attendants.
Fear of failing to return your seatback to its full upright position.
Fear of forgetting, in the excitement of arrival, to send a tweet announcing your arrival.
Fear of cab drivers.
Fear of bell hops.
Fear of hotel receptionists finding no record of your reservation.
Fear of spousal regard.
Fear of luggage handle bruises in the area of the hip.
Fear of bed & breakfasts.
Fear of alarm clocks.
Fear of waking up sober with no idea where you are.
Fear of Fodor.
Fear of windows without screens.
Fear of beaches without lifeguards.
Fear of Speedos.
Fear of being a lame ambassador for your country.
Fear of creating an international incident.
Fear of cigarette smoke.
Fear of mimes.
Fear of running into a travel writer and then appearing in his story.
Fear of looking ridiculous.
Fear of stick shifts.
Fear of tour guides.
Fear of being unable, in museums, to refrain from touching.
Fear of having only a vacation and not an adventure.
Fear of cheese.
Fear of professional waiters.
Fear of open-air butcher shops.
Fear of skinned rabbits hanging by their feet.
Fear of organs in camouflaging sauces.
Fear of drinks without ice.
Fear of drinks with ice.
Fear of finding nothing exotic, romantic, quaint or magical.
Fear of talking to people who know more about your country than you know about theirs.
Fear that these people may rise again.
Fear of historical reenactments.
Fear of failing to look impressed.
Fear of souvenirs.
Fear of Andean flute music.
Fear of improper English.
Fear of not taking enough pictures of neatly-stacked vegetables.
Fear of confusing the name of a local delicacy with the name of the first lady.
Fear of drinking too much solely as a gesture of peace and friendship.
Fear of being in close proximity to livestock before your return to U.S. soil.
Fear of coming back with an even narrower mind.
Fear of discovering that the world is in far worse shape than you had imagined.
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Tom Swick is the author of two books: a travel memoir, Unquiet Days: At Home in Poland, and a collection of travel stories, A Way to See the World: From Texas to Transylvania with a Maverick Traveler. He was the travel editor of the South Florida Sun-Sentinel for 19 years, and his work has been included in "The Best American Travel Writing" 2001, 2002, 2004 and 2008.
Nancy D. Brown 05.18.09 | 11:30 AM ET
Is that a Speedo thong in the pic? Yes, fear of Speedos, indeed!
Fear of waking up sober with no idea where you are? Can relate to that.
How about fear of roaming charges if you forget to change your cell phone settings while traveling internationallly!
Fear of forgetting your laptop charger, cell phone charger, digital camera charger and GPS charger. Can you say electronic leash?
Fear of forgetting to leave your Twitter @Nancydbrown on a blog comment!
Terry Ward 05.18.09 | 11:40 AM ET
Love it, Tom. So funny. These two, in particular, spoke to me:
Fear of drinks without ice.
Fear of drinks with ice.
And I’ll add, ‘fear of no free re-fills’ and ‘fear of European-style Mexican food.’
Travel is so fraught with peril!
Jennifer 05.18.09 | 11:59 AM ET
Whoa, the accompanying picture to this piece was quite a shock when I sat down to lunch for a little World Hum reading! The list was great but the picture was a little disturbing! Ick!
“Fear of organs in camouflaging sauces” made me chuckle!
How about, ‘fear of annoying tourists and getting lumped in with them’? Or, ‘fear of tourist traps’?
Graham's Travel Blog 05.18.09 | 3:36 PM ET
I absolutely have a fear of souvenirs, I never know what to bring back for people. Drinking as to not insult people also resonates with me, those Russians sure can drink.
I’d add:
Fear of becoming seriously ill and having to navigate foreign health care AND dealing with the bills back home.
and
Fear of being stabbed in an elevator when someone finds out that you are an American.
Marilyn McFarlane 05.18.09 | 5:20 PM ET
I had to laugh at all those fears I didn’t realize I have. And why do we take so many photos of piled-up vegetables? I always do, and love them. A favorite, close to home, is a cabbage with a sign: “No Sprays. Nada, Zilch, Zip.”
Marilyn McFarlane 05.18.09 | 5:21 PM ET
I had to laugh at all those fears I didn’t realize I have. And why do we take so many photos of piled-up vegetables? I always do, and love them.
Lindsey 05.18.09 | 6:27 PM ET
Dah! So funny…. theses things even come close to my home, as I live near a popular tourist area. Some of you might have heard of Yellowstone Park?
Nick Rowlands 05.18.09 | 7:31 PM ET
Really funny article, thanks. I love the stacked vegetables, and the fear of talking to people more educated than you (who may one day rise again).
How about:
fear of being the only person in the hostel that hasn’t been to Macchu Piccu
fear of not even knowing that you’ve just been ripped off
fear of not actually having packed your own bag, when asked at check-in whether you did
Alexi 05.18.09 | 8:21 PM ET
Fear of (inadvertently) saying something wildly inappropriate in a non-native language.
Fear of eating something I have in pet-version, back home.
Fear of making grave social faux pas while thinking I’m wow-ing the locals.
This list is fantastic.
Joanna Kakissis 05.18.09 | 8:24 PM ET
I thought I hated lists until I read this one. A truly hilarious piece…
Jenna Schnuer 05.19.09 | 5:59 PM ET
So much fun (even though that last one made me feel a bit sad). Great list Tom.
Jenny 05.20.09 | 2:19 PM ET
Great article and comments. Very funny. I would say all of these fears (and more) are what really constitutes traveling anywhere. And may I add one fear I had in Saigon - the fear that the six little puppies I saw in a cage on the back of a motor scooter were NOT someone’s pets.
Keep up the good writing - and commenting!
Jenny
tom swick 05.21.09 | 9:41 AM ET
Thanks to everyone for the kind words and the new fears. Here are a couple more I thought of while coming down the stairs:
Fear of getting dissed by staycationing friends.
Fear of being disturbed.
Melody Moser 05.22.09 | 9:12 AM ET
This list is so funny! I admit it, I’m a prolific vegetable photo-taker! I think I suffer from a lot of those fears. Here are a few more that I thought of:
Fear of having to explain to the customs agent why I’m returning with so many of those cute Scottish Highland Cow stuffed animals (and I don’t have any kids).
Fear of getting Montezuma’s Revenge on a bus with no bathrooms.
Fear of forgetting to punch your ticket in the yellow box on a train or trolley.
Fear of having to explain embarrassing symptoms to a foreign doctor when we don’t speak each other’s language.
Barbara Dix 05.24.09 | 2:19 PM ET
Fun!
See what I mean, Tom—you’ve been missed. The Sports[Sun]-Sentinel is a vast wasteland since you left. Glad to have caught up with you and your delightful essays.
Women's Espadrilles 05.25.09 | 11:25 AM ET
Fear of loosing your shoes.
tom swick 05.25.09 | 10:41 PM ET
That’s always been a concern of mine at temples. Though Pico Iyer, as he relates in The Best American Travel Writing 2004, lost his in an Atlanta hotel.
Brenda Barrett 06.20.09 | 9:05 AM ET
The Public Land Trust created under the Spanish Land grant in the USA is now closed, because of extensive human rights violation and child abuse. All goods, services, supplies, products and money domestic and internationally needs to be returned to the trust. You will be contacted in reference to this matter.Up dates can be found in the Hartford Courtant.
Extensive human rights violators are ask to leave the country after all assets are returned to the
trust, since the county will experience extensive economic hardship.
Brenda Barrett (heir to trust)